Sunday Firesides: Just Be Cool
1 day ago
Monday, September 29, 2008
Among other things, I am a lover of dogs. While growing up, my brothers and I were the proud owners of 2 German Shepards, 1 English Sheep Dog, 1 Great Dane, 1 Labrador, a Mut or two, and then there was that pesky, annoying, nippy, little, Lhasa Apsa, I named Sugar Pops - my favorite cereal at the time. Yes, I realize that once uttering Lhasa Apsa and Sugar Pops with adoration is totally suspect and completely incongruent with my stated mission... but, again I say, "I was only 8 years old!"
I don't really remember how Sugar Pops disappeared. Subconsciously, maybe I knew even then that little dogs and Men don't mix. But for the sake of my Mom, who may read this one day, let's just say there was an an unfortunate incident. I stayed home from school the Monday after my Mom purchased Sugar Pops. I thought we would get to know each other better. But after half a day of what could have been our "bonding time", turned out to be her biting time - as she bit/nipped/teethed me for nearly 5 hours - I had to put her out on our enclosed patio, which was around 2pm. When my Mom arrived at 4pm, Sugar Pops was gone. I can't say I was too sad to see her go... although I do vaguely remember seeing some kids walking home from school playing with a dog that looked just like mine as I feel asleep that afternoon (maybe I thought I was dreaming)... Either way, that was the first and last "little" dog we ever had to endure. My brothers, who were 1 and 5 years old at the time, should be thankful for my carelessness because they never had to endure a little dog again either. Unfortunately, I wasn't able to be a big brother to you all...
Since you did not have Il Padrone to guide you then, please take advantage now and stop with the little dogs already. It's just not cool... or manly! Seriously, every time I see a 240lb man walking down the street with a dog the size of his shoe, I have to laugh out loud.. almost to the point where I feel like yelling "Pussy" out of the window as I cruise on by in my manly 1968 Linc0ln Continental. It's embarrassing for all Men-kind. Of note, Tayes Diggs and Jay Mohr both, have been spotted with these little bitches (or maybe they're sires) walking around town.
In what other avenue of life do men own something that small, puffy, fluffy, furry and cute - babies come close but they don't stay that way forever. And let's not forget all of the stuff that comes with little dog ownership: pee-pee pads, bows, combs, crystal encrusted collars, and pink leashes. It's like the women have their men playing with four legged Barbies. I dare call this a form of social castration. Listen to one woman gush about her husband at K9 Kloud9:
"One of the cutest things to see in my humble opinion is big men with little dogs. I am sure when they were growing up the last thing they envisioned was being a caretaker of a Teacup Poodle, Yorkie, Chihuahua etc, but life has a twisted sense of humor. There is really no way for these burly men to go [un]noticed, but isn't that the fun of it all? I am touched by the ability for tenderness, love and overall protection of these fragile creatures (It's sickening, frightening, and hilarious. Ladies please realize that the only fragile creature we should demonstrate "tenderness, love and overall protection" to (besides our children) is you! A real man's dog not only provides companionship when we need to be alone, they also assist in our duties to protect everything we hold dear. What can a Teacup-anything protect?the men that is)."
This form of Pussification has flown under the radar for quite some time, mainly because we assume these little dogs belong to the women in these men's lives. If that is the case, it's actually worse, and ranks up there with a man carrying a woman's purse. Does anybody recall the John Elway incident at the Denver Nuggets game in May, 2008? He was ridiculed in the Blogosphere, on the Radio and ESPN. One notable remark from blogger Debbie Schlussel:
"Sorry, guys. This photo is real--not photoshopped. Yup, star quarterback (retired) John Elway is carrying a purse. No word on whether it's Chanel or Prada. Also, no word on whether he's now shaving his legs or renting "Beaches." But, apparently, he is, indeed, into this season's fashionable citrus colors in purses."Damn! That's John Elway she's talking about. C'mon!
So do yourself a favor and get a real dog. Don't run out and get a Pitbull or Mastiff to over compensate (like the guys who buy Corvettes), but please, please stay away from the Chihuahuas, Yorkies and the god-forsaken Teacup!
For the record I am the proud owner of a Chinese Shar Pei - once known as fighting dogs and also used to hunt wild boar in China - these dog are equal parts cute and fierce. Also try to keep in mind what your dog says about you: BIG DOGS say certain thing about the man, and SMALL DOGS say certain other things... Just a thought.
Master Fu Wutang My Man Jr. and All Dat
aka Fu...
Greatly approves this post!
1 Comment:
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September 30, 2008 at 5:00 PM
Oh My God..that shit is way too funny. Seriously, I can't contain the laughter. You hit it on the head. I don't know what is funnier...you or Sugar Pops. I have seen Fu and I will say this...if you are scared of dogs then remember me telling you this...Fu or any Chinese Ninja Fighting dog will scare you if you are not at least 20 ft. away. I agree...little dogs equal big Male Bitoch. Do yourself a favor, get a real dog that bites and protects you when you are being attacked.
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